Teary days.

Everyone deserves to be happy.
Neither it's you, or me.
Yes, both of us.

You know how much I suffer for this.
You know how much I love you.
You know how I can't be standing alone without you by my side.
But you know the decision we took was for our own sake, right?

It's not easy to live without you.
It's not easy either to do anything without your support.
The emptiness comes every morning I wake up without you.
The loneliness shows everytime I miss you.

I can't do this, baby. I just can't..
I love you too much,
too deep that I barely feel myself when you're not around.

I can't do anything about it.
I pray for you everytime I think about you.
That's the only way to make me feel calm.

I lied that I told everyone I'm ready to let you go.
But in fact, I'm not.
Baby, the fact that we ended it perfectly,
it destroys me completely..

I love you, Ab.
Always do.

That peace

Saya akhirnya memutuskan untuk membuka diri, untuk kembali menulis lagi.

Tidak mudah bagi saya menjalani keseharian saya beberapa minggu ini, tanpa kamu.
Kekecewaan terhadapmu yang sempat menghantam kepala saya hingga membuat saya hancur berantakan, perlahan hilang dan sudah tidak muncul lagi ke permukaan.

Saya selalu bilang sama kamu berkali-kali, dan akan terus saya tanamkan di dalam pikiran saya sampai mati, saya tidak mau hidup dalam dendam. Tidak ada dendam sama sekali dalam hati saya terhadap semua yang sudah terjadi. Pun, saya bukan sosok suci yang tidak pernah melakukan kesalahan. Banyak sekali kebodohan yang saya lakukan dan melukai hati banyak orang.

Saya masih ingat percakapan terakhir kita. Every word of it. I still clearly remembered the way you look at me that night. Your eyes. Baby, you have no idea how much I love your eyes behind those glasses. Your voice, the one which always greeted me good mornings and whispered me good nights. Your hands, the ones that used to caress my hair in a lovely way I can't even describe. Everything. You were my everything, Boo..

Namun pada akhirnya saya harus menjalani hari ini, hari ke-sekian belas tanpa kamu. Walaupun berat, tapi saya sangat bersyukur bisa pernah menjalani keseharian saya denganmu. Good and bad, laughter and tears, happy smiles and grumpy faces. Banyak hal sudah kita jalani, kita lewati. Our date places, the theaters, the coffee shops. Our songs, oh kamu sekarang sudah terbebas dari polusi suara berupa nyanyian sember saya setiap kali lagu kita diputar di radio, ya. Hehehe. Oh, all those good memories you gave me that I'll never forget.

Terima kasih telah menjadi bagian penting dalam hidup saya. Terima kasih untuk semua kebaikan dan kasih sayang yang pernah kamu berikan. Terima kasih untuk semua support kamu untuk hal-hal positif dalam hidup saya. Terima kasih sudah menjadi pasangan, sahabat, sekaligus partner debat saya. Terima kasih sudah mengajari saya banyak hal yang belum pernah saya ketahui sebelumnya. Terima kasih sudah membuka mata saya bahwa berita nasional juga penting untuk ditonton, bukan cuma infotainment atau TV Series saja, hehehe. Terima kasih sudah being really considerable sama sahabat-sahabat saya. Dan yang paling penting, terima kasih sudah sayang sama Mama Papa..

And I need you to know, bahwa namamu tetap saya sebut di setiap sujud saya. Agar kamu menjalani hidupmu dengan lebih baik, tanpa kehadiran saya di sela-sela waktumu. Tuhan pasti dengar, saya yakin Dia akan kabulkan doa saya dengan caraNya sendiri.

Dan seperti picture yang saya upload di atas, saya sudah memaafkan.
Memaafkan diri saya sendiri dan tidak membiarkan kesedihan, kemarahan, ataupun kekecewaan menggerogoti hati saya.
Iya, saya sudah berdamai.
Dengan diri saya sendiri.
And now I'm ready,
to let go.



The girl,
A.


---
P.S: I've always been very proud of you. Tuhan tau seberapa besar rasa sayang saya kepadamu, hingga hari ini.

A nonsense crap about friendship

Ehaaai PaPemTil a.k.a Para Pembaca Tilcik yang budiman dan budiwati, baik yang di rumah maupun di studio, baik di studio rekaman maupun studio foto, baik fotosintesis maupun fotokopi, baik kopi hitam maupun kopi.....okay I'll stop.
*berdehem penuh wibawa*
Bulan Ramadhan sudah memasuki hari ke-sekian. Gimana pemirsa puasanya? Lancar? Udah bolong berapa? Alhamdulillah belom ada yang batal.. Apa? Yang di pojok belakang udah batal 5? Ooh karena datang bulan....WAIT, TAPI KAN KAMU LAKI-LAKI? Mungkin kamu lagi halu. Baiklah.

Makin deket sama Lebaran, entah kenapa jalanan Jakarta pas jam pulang kantor makin macet ya, Saya biasanya kalo pulang kantor jam 5, jam setengah 7 udah di rumah goler-goler manis sambil makan risol sisaan takjil mamak saya sambil nonton serial. Lha sekarang jam setengah 8 ajun baru assalamualaikum menginjakkan kaki di rumah. Eh ini jam pulang kantornya jam 7 malam ya, bukan pagi. Hangsip kali ah gue pulang shift malem jam 7 pagi.

Bulan Ramadhan identik dengan satu tradisi yang dari jaman saya nonton Doraemon sampe sekarang.....tetep nonton Doraemon. #AnitaAnaknyaSulitMoveOnDariMasaKecil
Tradisi itu tak lain dan tak bukan adalah.....bukber. Alias buka bareng. Buka puasa, bukan buka toko ataupun buka mulut. Baik mulut kawah ataupun mulut goa. Baik goa..............IYA IYA SAYA MINTA MAAF UDAH ABIS INI NGGAK AKAN DIULANGI LAGI.
Sampe mana saya tadi? Oh iya bukber. Tradisi bukber ini sungguhlah happening dari dulu sampai sekarang. Kenapa eh kenapa? Karena.............mempertemukan teman dari berbagai lapisan pertemanan.
Setahun sekali.
Pas bukber itu doang.

Apology

Dear E.W,
Saya tahu saya sudah mengacaukan semuanya,
saya tahu apa yang saya lakukan memiliki efek yang sangat buruk untuk kamu,
saya tahu apa yang saya ucapkan, saya sampaikan, membuat hati kamu terluka.

Saya terjebak dalam pemikiran saya sendiri. Saya bahkan tidak tahu apa yang sekarang sedang saya pikirkan, I lost myself, and I have no idea who I am right now. Yes, I'm a lying, cheating, hypocrite bitch. Tapi saya tidak tahu bahwa efeknya akan sedalam ini..

Talking to you this morning was the last thing I could do. My heart was torn apart to hear you crying. I feel like I was the worst person in the world I can't even remember when was the last time I do a good thing. Please don't cry..

Saya tidak tahu bagaimana caranya agar kamu memaafkan saya. Saya bahkan tidak berharap kamu memaafkan saya, karena saya tahu yang saya lakukan selalu menyakiti hati kamu. Tidak hanya untuk kekacauan pagi ini, tapi seluruh kesalahan saya terhadap kamu.

And please know, kamu tidak akan kehilangan apapun atau siapapun, kecuali saya orang yang selalu membuat kekacauan.

Bahkan pada faktanya kita tidak terlalu mengenal satu sama lain, but it feels like I have lost a very good friend. You are the most wonderful person I've ever known, and I'm the fucking worst person you've ever known for doing such horrible thing to you..

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for always being nice to me, thank you for understanding me, thank you to have forgiven me for my past mistakes. Thank you for being a very amazing person. I don't know what else to say. I'm out of words. I don't even know what I have inside my head. I'm a brain-less, heart-less, care-less and the most selfish bitch in the world. Menulis postingan ini adalah satu-satunya cara saya menyampaikan how sorry I am to you, because I know you read this..

Once again, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.. Please keep in mind that you're the strongest person I've ever known to keep putting your feet on the ground..

I wish I can define you with colours,
so I can paint the sky beautifully
I wish I can define you with flavours,
so I can cook delicious meals. Oh please don't do that "You can't cook anything" kind of stare
I wish I can define you with names of flowers,
so I can have a beautiful garden in my backyard
I wish I can define you with songs,
so I can sing all night
I wish I can define you with words,
so I can write thousands pages of our story

But sadly, I can't
and it hurts.

I miss you.

Lay me down

Yes, I do, I believe

That one day I will be

Where I was right there

Right next to you

And it's hard

The days just seems so dark

The moon, And the stars

Are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin

Where do I begin?

No words can explain

The way I'm missing you

Deny this emptiness

This hole that I'm inside

These tears

They tell their own story

Told me not to cry when you were gone

But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you

Can you hear my call?

This hurt that I've been through

I'm missing you, missing you like crazy

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

Lay me down tonight

Lay me by your side

Lay me down tonight

Lay me by your side

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you

You..

***

The lyrics, and John Legend. Oh you know how much I love John Legend. You know I will always sing along when his songs played on the radio. Annoying you with my horrible voice, hugging you crazy..

I don't know if I can do it on my own anymore. I'm lost, clueless, hopeless without you. I'm really sorry for what I've done last Saturday. Things were so emotional, I didn't mean to take you for granted. I'm deeply sorry for everything..

Now the fact that I'm going crazy without you, it will be such miracle to survive this situation..

I can't
spend a day without smiling at you and say good morning
spend a day without sniffing your left shoulder
spend a day without your presence

I can't
take the risk of losing you
not knowing where you are
become clueless of what's on your mind
not having a chance to talk to you

You are my morning kisses
my goodnight lullabies
my daily dose of support
I become who I am right now,
because of you

It's not that I can't
but I don't want to live
without you.
Because God knows, you're as additive as caffeine to me.