Your eyes

This morning,
I stared at a pair of lovely eyes.
Of a lovely man.
That I love very dearly.

Those eyes were black, deep black.
But there's no darkness in it.
I can see love, hope, and bravery in it.
Kinds of strength that can pull me up when I'm down,
to brighten my days,
to keep my feet back on the ground when I start to fly to be one hell of a snob bitch.

Those eyes ain't wide, not as wide as mine.
But they can see more than mine can.
They have more ability to absorb visions then extract them to be knowledge, which amaze me.
They can do better than mine. Much better.

I repeat.
This morning,
I stared at a pair of lovely eyes.
Of a lovely man.
That I love very dearly.

They're not one kind of eyes you people find often.
But they're one kind of eyes that I see everyday.
And I feel lucky.
Because everytime I stared at them,
I see myself.

And I will smile after that,
and kiss the man who has that beautiful thing.
Whispering,
"I love you"
And yes, I love you, Baby Fish.
I love you more and more each day,
after all those ups and downs we've been through.

And now, please,
hold my hand,
take me to your embrace,
don't let me go,
ever again..

You know how much I love John Legend

 

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

[John Legend:]
In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

[Both:]
So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Hey
Whoa

I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you  

---

I listened to this song, and it reminds me of you.

Because the lyrics are so related to me, and it's John Legend.

Oh you know how much I love John Legend, right?

I miss you, Ab.

It's never been the same without you.

 

I miss us, every morning.

It's hard to wake up without you.

It's hard to sleep without you, either.

It's been weeks and I still can't get over it.

You were too amazing.

I love you too deeply.

I feel like slapping myself to get my feet back on the ground everytime I think about you.

*sigh*

I miss you, Ab.

I really do.

In every song,

every little thing,

everytime.

Unconditionally

I miss this song.

I miss you.

Teary days.

Everyone deserves to be happy.
Neither it's you, or me.
Yes, both of us.

You know how much I suffer for this.
You know how much I love you.
You know how I can't be standing alone without you by my side.
But you know the decision we took was for our own sake, right?

It's not easy to live without you.
It's not easy either to do anything without your support.
The emptiness comes every morning I wake up without you.
The loneliness shows everytime I miss you.

I can't do this, baby. I just can't..
I love you too much,
too deep that I barely feel myself when you're not around.

I can't do anything about it.
I pray for you everytime I think about you.
That's the only way to make me feel calm.

I lied that I told everyone I'm ready to let you go.
But in fact, I'm not.
Baby, the fact that we ended it perfectly,
it destroys me completely..

I love you, Ab.
Always do.

That peace

Saya akhirnya memutuskan untuk membuka diri, untuk kembali menulis lagi.

Tidak mudah bagi saya menjalani keseharian saya beberapa minggu ini, tanpa kamu.
Kekecewaan terhadapmu yang sempat menghantam kepala saya hingga membuat saya hancur berantakan, perlahan hilang dan sudah tidak muncul lagi ke permukaan.

Saya selalu bilang sama kamu berkali-kali, dan akan terus saya tanamkan di dalam pikiran saya sampai mati, saya tidak mau hidup dalam dendam. Tidak ada dendam sama sekali dalam hati saya terhadap semua yang sudah terjadi. Pun, saya bukan sosok suci yang tidak pernah melakukan kesalahan. Banyak sekali kebodohan yang saya lakukan dan melukai hati banyak orang.

Saya masih ingat percakapan terakhir kita. Every word of it. I still clearly remembered the way you look at me that night. Your eyes. Baby, you have no idea how much I love your eyes behind those glasses. Your voice, the one which always greeted me good mornings and whispered me good nights. Your hands, the ones that used to caress my hair in a lovely way I can't even describe. Everything. You were my everything, Boo..

Namun pada akhirnya saya harus menjalani hari ini, hari ke-sekian belas tanpa kamu. Walaupun berat, tapi saya sangat bersyukur bisa pernah menjalani keseharian saya denganmu. Good and bad, laughter and tears, happy smiles and grumpy faces. Banyak hal sudah kita jalani, kita lewati. Our date places, the theaters, the coffee shops. Our songs, oh kamu sekarang sudah terbebas dari polusi suara berupa nyanyian sember saya setiap kali lagu kita diputar di radio, ya. Hehehe. Oh, all those good memories you gave me that I'll never forget.

Terima kasih telah menjadi bagian penting dalam hidup saya. Terima kasih untuk semua kebaikan dan kasih sayang yang pernah kamu berikan. Terima kasih untuk semua support kamu untuk hal-hal positif dalam hidup saya. Terima kasih sudah menjadi pasangan, sahabat, sekaligus partner debat saya. Terima kasih sudah mengajari saya banyak hal yang belum pernah saya ketahui sebelumnya. Terima kasih sudah membuka mata saya bahwa berita nasional juga penting untuk ditonton, bukan cuma infotainment atau TV Series saja, hehehe. Terima kasih sudah being really considerable sama sahabat-sahabat saya. Dan yang paling penting, terima kasih sudah sayang sama Mama Papa..

And I need you to know, bahwa namamu tetap saya sebut di setiap sujud saya. Agar kamu menjalani hidupmu dengan lebih baik, tanpa kehadiran saya di sela-sela waktumu. Tuhan pasti dengar, saya yakin Dia akan kabulkan doa saya dengan caraNya sendiri.

Dan seperti picture yang saya upload di atas, saya sudah memaafkan.
Memaafkan diri saya sendiri dan tidak membiarkan kesedihan, kemarahan, ataupun kekecewaan menggerogoti hati saya.
Iya, saya sudah berdamai.
Dengan diri saya sendiri.
And now I'm ready,
to let go.



The girl,
A.


---
P.S: I've always been very proud of you. Tuhan tau seberapa besar rasa sayang saya kepadamu, hingga hari ini.

I wish I can define you with colours,
so I can paint the sky beautifully
I wish I can define you with flavours,
so I can cook delicious meals. Oh please don't do that "You can't cook anything" kind of stare
I wish I can define you with names of flowers,
so I can have a beautiful garden in my backyard
I wish I can define you with songs,
so I can sing all night
I wish I can define you with words,
so I can write thousands pages of our story

But sadly, I can't
and it hurts.

I miss you.

Lay me down

Yes, I do, I believe

That one day I will be

Where I was right there

Right next to you

And it's hard

The days just seems so dark

The moon, And the stars

Are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin

Where do I begin?

No words can explain

The way I'm missing you

Deny this emptiness

This hole that I'm inside

These tears

They tell their own story

Told me not to cry when you were gone

But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you

Can you hear my call?

This hurt that I've been through

I'm missing you, missing you like crazy

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

Lay me down tonight

Lay me by your side

Lay me down tonight

Lay me by your side

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you

You..

***

The lyrics, and John Legend. Oh you know how much I love John Legend. You know I will always sing along when his songs played on the radio. Annoying you with my horrible voice, hugging you crazy..

I don't know if I can do it on my own anymore. I'm lost, clueless, hopeless without you. I'm really sorry for what I've done last Saturday. Things were so emotional, I didn't mean to take you for granted. I'm deeply sorry for everything..

Now the fact that I'm going crazy without you, it will be such miracle to survive this situation..

I can't
spend a day without smiling at you and say good morning
spend a day without sniffing your left shoulder
spend a day without your presence

I can't
take the risk of losing you
not knowing where you are
become clueless of what's on your mind
not having a chance to talk to you

You are my morning kisses
my goodnight lullabies
my daily dose of support
I become who I am right now,
because of you

It's not that I can't
but I don't want to live
without you.
Because God knows, you're as additive as caffeine to me.

Big Jet Plane

She said "hello mister, pleased to meet ya"

I wanna hold her, I wanna kiss her

She smelled of daisies, she smelled of daisies

She drive me crazy, she drive me crazy

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Hey hey

Hey hey

Be my lover, my lady river

Can I take ya, take ya higher

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Hey hey

Hey hey

Hey hey

Hey hey

Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms

Gonna take ya away from home

Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms

Gonna take ya away from home

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Hey hey

Hey hey

Hey hey

Hey hey

Hey hey

3 Things About Him

Memasuki bulan ke-11.

Bukan, bukan kehamilan ataupun pelunasan cicilan.

Tapi bulan ke-11 dari hubungan saya dan pacar saya. Oh mari bersama-sama kita panggil dia si Om. Kenapa? Karena dia sudah om-om mwahahahahaha.

*dijewer*

Ya, saya menjalin hubungan dengan seorang laki-laki yang usianya terpaut lumayan jauh dari saya, 15 tahun. TAPI KATA TEMAN-TEMAN SAYA YANG KELIATAN TUA MALAH SAYA BUKAN DIA.

*tenggak obat anti aging, sepabrik*

Wow, hampir setahun.

I must say, hubungan ini adalah hubungan serius pertama yang saya jalani.

Bukannya saya bilang hubungan kemarin-kemarin saya main-main, tapi saya merasa hubungan ini adalah hubungan yang paling......memutar otak.

*menghela napas panjang*

Kenapa gitu? Iyalah, saya kan nggak punya otak, berpikiran cetek dan apa-apa dihadapi secara emosional. Sementara itu dia sudah lebih dewasa dari saya dan pola pikirnya pun sudah jauh ke depan, ya ngebul lah kepala saya kalo harus ngadepin dia.

*kipas-kipas kepala*

*kebakaran*

The Beginning

"Kamu temenin aku dong. Aku mau dikenalin sama temennya temenku, tapi aku gak mau jadi perempuan satu-satunya. Jadi kamu temenin aku. Ya? Ya?"

"Kapan?"

"Lusa. Kamu harus kosongin jadwal kamu buat aku. Okay?"

"Okay"

"Great. Gonna pick you up at the office at 5"

Dan pembicaraan singkat lewat telepon itu pun berakhir.

Dua hari kemudian, sesuai janji, salah satu sahabat saya yang cerewet itu memenuhi janjinya. 

"Aku udah di depan. Kamu keluar ya" katanya. Saya memasuki mobilnya lewat pintu belakang, karena dia duduk di bangku penumpang di depan, tempat saya biasa duduk. Lalu siapa yang duduk di kursi pengemudi?

"Nit, kenalin nih temen aku.."

"Oh, iya. Halo, Anita"

" (sebut saja) Batman"

Kemudian mata kami bertemu di spion, saling menyunggingkan senyum.

The World Without You

The world without you, would be empty.
I would feel lost.
Everything will be black and white only.

The world without you, would be like a cup of Earl Grey tea with sugar.
I can't bear it because it's the worst thing that ever happened to me.
The world without you, would be the least thing I want.
Because it would not be the same anymore.
It would be so dark,
and loony.

Sleepless days,
teary nights,
snorting nose..

The world without you,
I won't even bother to think about it.

Popcorn

I write this post as I'm waiting for you to pick me up at the office, as usual.
Iron & Wine's "Flightless Bird" is in loop.
Then I looked at this picture; a bag of popcorn, put down on a wooden table.
As I am picturing us together, watching a movie in theatre, no, we've never had popcorn, though.
But it was us, holding each other's hand from the beginning til the end of the movie.
You could feel my hand tighten the grip of the hand when the scene got too scary,
or sometimes my head laying on your shoulder when it becomes dramatic.
One of those good times I enjoy when I'm with you.

You know we barely watch movies, not because I don't like it, it's just..I'd rather spend my time alone with you. With us talking, laughing, talking about things, staring at your eyes.
Oh you also know how much I love them.
That pair of dark black eyes. The colour of your favourite coffee.

I always love to stare at your eyes. I always love it everytime you look at me.
The way you look at me, is....beyond everything. You really show me that you love me. You give me strength, to love you more.

I don't know how much time left for us. However long it is, I only wish it will be longer, and much longer.
Because I don't want anything from you. It's nothing I'm trying to find from you, but your presence.
The warmth and comfort you give me, are the ones that I can't get rid of.
Please stay, don't be far away.
Because everytime you're around,
feels like home
:)

Long Drive

Long drive, long night

The best night of my life

With you riding, your hand on my hand. 

The thought of arriving, kind of feels like dying.

I don’t want to go home and be alone.

Could we stay out?

Could you drive a little slower, don’t matter where we’re going,

As long as I’m with you.. We could take the long way.

Chevy Nova, front seat, sofa, getting closer to you.

Drive a little slower don’t matter where we’re going, 

As long as I’m with you, we could take the long way.

Drive a little slower, not ready to go home,

I’d rather stay with you.

We could take the long way to the country out of town.

Let’s get lost; I don’t wanna be found.

Let’s get away, now and be careful not to crash.

There’s no defrost and we’re steaming the glass.

You and the road have a generous shoulder

We can pull over and say we took the long way.

Headlights, not strobe lights.

I can see you, but not quite. 

I can feel you inside; the timing is just right.

For the moment, I don’t want to go home.

Take the long way.

Drive a little slower; don’t matter where we’re going.

Drive a little slower; don’t matter where we going now.

Drive a little slower; not ready to go home.

I’d rather stay with you.

We can take the long way.

Long drive, long night, 

The best night of my life.

***

This song reminds me a lot to us; keseharian kita. Apa yang kita lakukan selama perjalanan pergi ataupun pulang kantor. Tentang saya yang selalu sangat excited setiap membaca pesan darimu yang berisi 3 huruf sakti bertuliskan "Otw". 

Saya selalu tidak sabar untuk bertemu kamu di pagi hari. Melihat laki-laki kesayangan saya melengkungkan senyum terbaiknya yang beriringan dengan kalimat pembuka favorit saya, "Pagi, sayang". And yes, of course those morning kisses. Siapa yang tidak jatuh cinta dengan caramu mencinta, Sayang?

Saya selalu tidak sabar untuk bertemu kamu setelah waktu bekerja selesai. Kamu yang selalu menjemput saya ke gedung setinggi 29 lantai ini, untuk mendengar ceritamu tentang harimu, untuk akhirnya kembali memanjakan indera penciuman saya dengan wangi parfummu, untuk memijat kepalamu yang entah mengapa selalu membuat saya mengantuk. Yang dipijat siapa, yang rileks sendiri siapa. Gimana sih, Anita.

Saya sebenarnya tidak terlalu suka dengan cara kamu berkendara. Laju mobilmu terlalu cepat, sayang. Jangan membuat kita jadi cepat sampai tujuan. Jangan membuat saya harus kembali termakan rindu, jangan menyiksa saya seperti itu..Because after all those 24 hours I have in a day, my favourite moment is everytime I'm with you. 

I love you, B. Don't ever let me go, because I still want to stay..

Yours,

A.

A mumbling for B.

pic source

Saya suka setiap kali kita bicara, tentang apa saja.
Tentang kamu,
tentang saya,
tentang kita.

Saya suka cara kamu menatap saya.
Tatapan tajam yang sama sekali tidak menyeramkan, justru terasa penuh kasih sayang.
Tatapan yang terus mengikuti gerak-gerik saya,
dari yang paling manis hingga yang paling aneh.
Tatapan yang membuat saya yakin bahwa saya bersama orang yang tepat.

Saya terkadang tidak sadar akan keheningan yang diam-diam menghampiri kita.
Saya yang biasanya melamun dan 'hilang' terbawa masuk ke dalam dunia saya sendiri,
tersentak sadar karena kehangatan darimu, yang mengamati saya dalam diam.
Saya tau itu, sayang.
Dan saya suka.

I fell for you out of the blue.
The moment which then made me realize
that I want to be with you.

Saya memutuskan untuk berjalan beriringan bersamamu bukan karena dan untuk hal yang saya tahu.
Bukan karena awalnya merasa nyaman,
ataupun untuk akhirnya merasa aman.

Because I started this journey from falling for you unexpectedly.
Now I'm ready for whatever it takes,
to love you unconditionally.
:)

Mon homme

pic source

You suddenly came into my life.
Appeared in front of me,
sneaked into my subcounsious,
then instantly become my center of attention.

I still remember how we first met.
How warm your palm was when we shook hand,
how our eyes met,
and you smiled.

Then you brought me to your world,
a place where I have never been before.
With all of the surprises:
up(s) and down(s),
happiness and sadness,
even laughter and tears.

You got me sunk and trapped,
happily.
You make me feel wonderful with your little touches,
because you know how much I love affection.
You make me feel safe when you're holding my hand,
not letting me go anywhere but your side.
You make me feel unique with our nicknames to each other,
where the hell are the sweet-romantic nicknames going? I don't care, I love ours.
You make me feel loved everytime you take my hand and sniff it,
which I would usually stare at you and smile, as I love you more and more each day.

You, are the center of my world.
The focus of my lenses.
The smoke of my cigarettes.
The sip to my cup of coffee.
The kiss of my "good morning",
and "good night".

Yes, I love you, mon homme. Let's just enjoy what we're having now as your grey hair grow more and those wrinkles start to show up, agree?
:)